From a young age we are taught to either hide our emotions or to supress them. We are told what we should and shouldn’t feel: ‘don’t cry over such a minor thing’, ‘don’t be shy’, ‘make sure you smile for our guests’.
Feelings are divided into ‘good’ and ‘bad’. We are encouraged to hold onto the ‘good’ feelings such as joy, love, kindness, and to push away, fight or supress the ‘bad’ or uncomfortable feelings such as anger, grief, fear and frustration.
As adults we find ourselves in situations where this childhood conditioning leads to thinking that being angry, frustrated, afraid or sad is somehow wrong. We then have difficulty expressing how we feel and getting support or having our needs met. Alternatively, we are unable to empathise with another person as we have trouble relating to the feelings they are describing. On another level we might find ourselves unable to set boundaries and end up exhausted looking after everyone else but ourselves.
All in all, this estrangement from our feelings leads to emotional suffering, communication problems and destructive avoidant behaviours such as binges, addictions and withdrawal from others.
So, how does befriending our feelings help us?
Befriending our emotions and allowing ourselves to sit with them and experience them, rather than battling with them or trying to push them away, brings the following life-enhancing benefits:
By tuning in to what is happening in our internal world, we are showing care and interest towards ourselves and have the opportunity to develop self-awareness. It is also the first step towards self-care, self-compassion and self-love.
We have the opportunity to identify exactly what it is that we are feeling and take appropriate action in response.
Our feelings communicate to us about what matters to us. By allowing ourselves to experience our feelings with open curiosity we can tap into that knowledge and move towards a more fulfilling life.
Fighting, resisting and supressing our emotions takes a lot of energy. We can save that precious energy, and use it to move in an important, productive direction.
We have the opportunity to validate our feelings and practice self-care and self-compassion.
We are better able to communicate to those close to us how we are feeling and therefore receive the care we need at a difficult time.
We have an improved ability to empathise with others. We also develop the ability to sit with other people in a supportive way whilst they experience difficult feelings, without trying to change the other person’s feelings. As a result we benefit from more connected relationships.
We are better equipped to set boundaries for how we want to be treated and getting our needs met.
We are free to respond to our feelings and better able to care for ourselves in the moment, rather than freeze or react.
How do we go about befriending our feelings? Below are a series of helpful practices. It is important that we practice these techniques regularly and during times when there is not too much overwhelm, so that we have them ready to use during challenging times. Think of it as building up an emotional muscle.
[Note: If you are suffering from trauma, please seek the guidance of an appropriately qualified therapist or counselor in developing these skills.]
Here are the practices:
It is helpful to recognise that emotions come, build up and then subside, like waves in the ocean, and just like the ocean can contain a wave of any size, so we can contain our strong feelings.
When a feeling arises, we can tune in and see if we can name what the feeling is, and perhaps inquire into what might have triggered it. We can practice naming the emotion. Becoming curious also helps to investigate and better identify our feelings and peel back the layers. For example, for me, anger can sometimes point to underlying fear; underneath frustration I might discover self-judgment or ‘not good enough’ feelings. It can be helpful to do some journaling in order to uncover what really is going on for us.
We can become curious about the physical sensations of the emotion in our bodies – where is it in the body, what does it feel like, does it have a texture, shape or colour, is it hot or cold, is it moving or still. Observe those sensations like a curious child seeing a crawling caterpillar for the first time.
We can practice allowing the feeling to be, we can sit with the feeling for a while even if it feels unpleasant. Instead of resisting it, we stay in open awareness and curiosity. We might ask ‘What feeling is this?’ or ‘What message does this feeling have for me?’.
We can breathe into the site where the sensations are and ‘make room’ or expand around the feelings. We might put a caring hand on the site of the strongest sensations and acknowledge ‘this is difficult, but I have room for it’.
We can practice ‘anchoring’ during an emotional storm by bringing ourselves to the present moment. Noticing what is actually happening right now, what can we see, hear, smell and feel, brings us back to the present and out of the imagined fears.
All feelings and emotions are normal, even the ones that feel difficult. Recognising this can normalise our experiences at a difficult time and open our minds to the possibility of allowing our feelings to be there without struggling against them.
Befriending our feelings can help us to get through tough times and become more resilient. These practices can help us lead a richer, fuller life even in the midst of stress and overwhelm.
Personally, I have benefited enormously over the last few years as a result of practicing befriending my feelings. It has helped me become a more patient parent, a better partner, it has made me a calmer, happier person and has greatly increased my self-confidence. I will share some of my learnings and experiences in future posts.
Yours in the pursuit of Genki,
Eva