‘Whose rule is this?’ asks my coach about my insistence that I ‘should’ be doing something in a particular way and to a high standard. Looking inward, it strikes me ‘It’s my rule!’.
Later she asks ‘What did that mean about you?’, as we discuss an event where other people’s inconsiderate behaviour has caused me years of emotional pain. ‘That I don’t matter’ I say through uncontrollable sobs.
My head felt constantly full and under pressure. My priorities were out of whack. I felt I was not doing well at anything, even though I had a blessed life and everything I could wish for.
These were the moments when I had to face the excruciating truth that most of my emotional suffering was of my own doing. These were also the cathartic times which set me on a path to becoming a happier, lighter, more confident person.
Self-judgement lurks in the background, it is a dark sticky blob that clouds many aspects of our lives, but is often unrecognised. It is the deep sinister undercurrent of ‘not good enough’. It can keep us stuck and unhappy in many areas of life.
How do we get to see it? I credit the work I did with my wonderful coach and the books of Brene Brown for helping me illuminate this issue for myself and boosting me towards a freer, more self-nurturing way of being.
The first step is to look into it, shine a light on it and become curious. To ask ourselves ‘What is really going on here?’. Once I recognised self-judgment for what it was and the damaging effects it was having on my life, I was able to gradually face the many ways I was judging myself. Over time my life began to shift. It was not easy work (and it is still ongoing), but in many ways it is actually quite simple.
So, how does self-judgment show up in our lives? Here are some manifestations I have been able to identify. At various times I believe most of us, especially driven high-performing women, carry a combination of these.
Mother’s guilt - thinking that we deserve less, or that we should put ourselves, our needs, wants and desires, last because we are mothers. This is an important topic, which warrants its own article - coming soon.
Living out of rules – it is useful to reflect on how many things we do because we think we ‘should’ or ‘must’ do them. We then judge ourselves ‘not good enough’ if we do not do these things or succeed at them.
Perfectionism or impossibly high standards – this can be the killer of progress and self-confidence, as we delay taking action on important projects because we pre-empt that the result will not be perfect. It can also manifest as a general sense of being stuck – wanting to move forward, but not quite sure why it is not happening.
Overt harsh self-talk – we might become aware of this on occasions when in spite of our good efforts, things did not go our way. We possibly recognise this internal voice as being similar to the voice of a critical teacher or disciplining parent. If we listen closely however, we would likely also hear this voice pipe up regularly throughout a typical day.
Inability to sit with our own feelings – this comes in the form of judging ourselves for having ‘negative’ feelings. The result is that we try to squash, push away or otherwise thwart emotions, often through unhelpful behaviours. (See my article of Befriending our Emotions for some tips on this topic.)
Misplaced anger or frustration – we might get angry at ourselves or others (children, spouse, colleagues) when our own expectations of ourselves have not eventuated. This is connected to the perfectionism and high standards mentioned above. Behind the anger is likely a judgment of having somehow failed in an endeavour or area of life.
Insecurity – we are afraid others will not like us or reject us. This fear is a remnant of ancient programming when being expelled from the tribe meant certain death. It can also be based on the judgements we hold of ourselves. It holds us back from living fully and authentically.
Weak boundaries – the compulsion to always put others first, please people or keep the peace, rather than put our own needs ahead of others’ demands and expectations. This is a sure way to allow our energy and joy to be sapped from us, and possibly become resentful.
Striving to the point of burnout at the cost of our own wellbeing and important relationships, having no regard for self-care. This can also show up as reluctance to let go of impossibly high standards or turn to self-care even in the face of extraordinary circumstances, eg. exhaustion, illness or injury.
Inability to accept a compliment – when others give us genuine praise, we find ourselves unable to gracefully accept and appreciate it without adding a ‘but’ or other qualifier. This is an example of self-judgment getting in the way of us seeing our gifts the way others do.
‘Impostor syndrome’ – the thoughts: ‘I should not be here’, ‘I am not deserving of this role/position’; and the accompanying dread of being found out. Most of us have or will experience this at some point in our career.
Comparison – this is where we look at others and their accomplishments and judge our own lives or achievements as ‘not good enough’, ‘not as good/smart/ accomplished as…’, even though our own path, circumstances and progress are unique.
Excessive sensitivity to feedback – this is where we either fear receiving criticism or are hyper-sensitive to it because of the likelihood that we will take the other person’s comments personally, and interpret them as meaning something awful about us as a person.
The result of chronic self-judgment is an unhappy life full of fear and unconscious self-sabotage.
The good news is, we can identify self-judgment and call it into the light.
Looking back on that session with my coach, this was the day I saw some of the ways I was judging myself and also the day the solution gradually began to reveal itself to me.
The antidote to self-judgment, in my experience is a combination of the following:
Self-awareness – we develop self-awareness through the consistent practice of self-reflection. (See my previous article on the topic of self-reflection.) This is the ability to look inward with openness and curiosity and notice our thoughts, feelings and reactions. When we cultivate self-awareness we are able to notice self-judgement coming up and call it out ‘Here’s self-judgement’. By bringing awareness to it, we are empowered to choose a different response.
Self-compassion – allowing ourselves to sit with our painful thoughts and feelings and treating ourselves with kindness. When difficult thoughts and emotions arise, we hold ourselves gently, perhaps acknowledging ‘this is hard’ or ‘this really hurts’. By consistently practicing self-compassion we are able to develop self-acceptance and self-love.
Clear priorities - knowing what is truly important to us. Being clear on what matters most to us allows us to better organise our lives and prioritise our time, thus being able to pursue those most important things wholeheartedly. We are also empowered to say ‘no’ and set boundaries. We can then shed the guilt or self-judgement associated with not spending time on things which are not a priority for us at that particular time.
Self-judgment can sneak up on us in many different forms. By recognising it and treating ourselves with kindness and compassion, and focusing on the things we value most, we can reduce its negative impact on our lives and open up to a freer, more self-nurturing way of being.
Yours in the pursuit of Genki,
Eva