Each time we decide to pursue something or stop doing something that has been a consistent part of our lives for a while we are faced with a change to our identity, whether we realise it or not.
Our identity is the collection of stories we tell ourselves, often subconsciously, about who we are, the kind of person we are, how we fit in the world and even what we are or are not capable of.
There are a number of factors that shape our identity, some of which we have no control over, including events in our childhood, our upbringing and the social and cultural influences which shape us as we grow. Invariably there will also be narratives incorporated from those around us who labelled us in certain ways – for example ‘smart’, ‘the sensitive one’, ‘good girl’.
The narratives, ways of being and roles we took upon ourselves that helped us ground ourselves in our environment and find certainty and security as children often become obstructive in our adult life. It is not uncommon for adults to operate under a set of rules, strategies and beliefs created by their seven-year-old self.
In times of change or growth we can feel internally conflicted and disrupted as the old and familiar aspects of our identity wrestle for position with a new way of being we are contemplating. This results in dissonance and discomfort, which might result in procrastination or inaction.
If we can develop sufficient self-awareness and self-compassion, we have the capacity to step back and observe this jostle and the accompanying stories that comprise our identity and voluntarily rewrite those narratives in order facilitate our growth.
Take the example of Jane (not her real name), who after a lifetime of being a self-confessed ‘people-pleaser’ is now stepping into her courage and power to start setting boundaries in respect of what she will and will not tolerate from other people. There will be resistance on multiple fronts. Those used to getting what they wanted or getting away with unacceptable behaviour will be in for a surprise. Internally, Jane will experience resistance as the parts of her which used people pleasing as a coping mechanism, stage a rebellion and label her a ‘bad person’ for disappointing others.
In the beginning, Jane will need to mindfully and consciously remind herself that setting boundaries and stepping into her courage is in service of her adult self, how she wants to turn up in the world and what she wants to model to her children. There will also be hesitation and uncertainty as she defines for herself what her boundaries around specific situations and relationships are. With time, the boundary-setting and enforcing muscle will strengthen and will become part of her new identity.
Or take Sarah (not her real name), who after decades of serving others and regularly going out of her way to do so, even putting her own needs and wants last, has realised that this has to change. She has finally started to tune into and listen to her body. And the body is telling her to slow down, to prioritise her own wellbeing. Sarah needs to reimagine herself as the woman who puts her own needs and happiness first.
Sarah has a challenging, yet exciting journey ahead of her in order to reclaim herself and readjust the expectations of those who are used to her running around to meet their whims. I imagine the old ‘care-taker’ parts will not want to step aside too easily.
I too have experienced this identity friction several times in recent years. Around seven years ago my position as Legal Counsel at the organisation I was working in was made redundant. This was a crossroad which prompted me to evaluate the direction of my life and what I wanted to do for work. It was not simple nor easy to let go of the ‘lawyer’ part of my identity and gradually re-create myself as ‘coach and educator’.
One of the most powerful realisations for me has been that our identity does not need to be set in stone. In fact, we can create new ways of being and new ways of seeing ourselves and the world. This does not mean we have to totally abandon our old ways of being – there may be circumstances where we might wish to call on them. The point is, we make conscious and courageous choices about how we turn up, rather than operating from a state of autopilot with outdated programs.
So, how do we go about reimagining or redesigning aspects of our identity, or creating new ones, as we grow and progress? Here are some thoughts based on my own experience:
As always, change starts with awareness. A regular mindfulness practice allows us to become attuned to our inner goings on. It also allows us to step back from our thoughts and feelings and view them as an impartial curious observer. For more on developing self-awareness, see my previous article ‘The Power of Self-Reflection’.
If we are feeling stuck or frustrated, we can look inwards with curiosity and enquire ‘Where in my life might I have narratives or parts of my identity which are not serving me in this situation?’.
We can turn towards ourselves with compassion, acknowledging that the old narratives served us at some point, and give ourselves permission to evolve in order to move towards our growth.
We can then make conscious choices about the types of behaviours and ways of being that will take us closer to our desired state or goal.
A dramatic, swooping transformation is not necessary. By taking small consistent steps towards our desired new ways of being, we can gradually rewrite the narratives that do not serve us and re-invent our identity or parts of it.
We can seek out the support of someone who believes in us and our potential, such as a coach. For me, working with my coaches through the years has been truly transformative.
In summary, having awareness of the narratives that form our identity, having the skills to identify when they are not serving us and the self-compassion and courage to step outside our familiar ways of being in service of our growth will enable us to reimagine ourselves, how we fit in the world and reach for our potential.
Much love,
Eva
P.S. If you are feeling stuck, frustrated and overwhelmed and you want to step into calm, clarity and vitality, then download my E-Book ‘The Genki Road Map’ or reach out for a confidential no-obligation conversation to discover how coaching can help you step into courage and create an inspired, energised life.